Parenting Perfectionism and Overwhelm
‘I don’t like playing dinosaurs at 4.30 in the morning! Is there something wrong with me?’
This, and many similar questions are often asked in the therapy room, often accompanied by tears and concerns about not being a good enough parent. My answer is usually, ‘of course you don’t like playing imaginary games constantly, it’s boring and you have better things to do - you’re a normal human adult’. I am usually surprised by the relief client’s experience with this statement and the reply that - ‘thank goodness it’s not just me’.
I have noticed a gradual trend over the past few years with clients who are parents increasingly feeling less confident in their ability to connect with their children and becoming distressed about their perceived failings. There seems to be some truth in the challenge of trying to make human connections with our children in the face of the ever more exciting and addictive online world, the constant pressure to have a career and earn alongside being a parent and increasing pressure to ‘get involved’ in school life.
These competing pressures take an obvious toll on our ability to socialise, connect and ‘just be’ with our children – the basis for building a healthy and secure attachment.
The factor that I think drives us over the edge though, is that parents are faced with a constant barrage of unrealistic and idealistic images of what ‘good parenting’ looks like on social media and in the world around us. Airbrushed family photos, carefully constructed videos of days out and advice dished out from so-called ‘parenting experts’ abound. We rarely see the reality of parenting – that it is generally difficult, often boring and that we often find ourselves not liking our children very much.
Parents also make mistakes – often. We forget things – the school play, the costume, the homework, the charity items. We get irritable, misunderstand, get dysregulated. We do all of these things because we are human. And yet, I hear parents all the time saying ‘I feel like I’m letting them down’ – usually because they aren’t in the mood for another game of hide and seek (whilst the washing piles up in the background and they’re due in another WFH meeting in 5 minutes), or for having missed an email in the onslaught of school admin. We seem to have entered an era in which we’re supposed to be everything to our children, to be constantly available and to provide sufficient income to provide everything the internet decides to ambush them with.
So – I guess this is the message I want to send anyone struggling with their mental health whilst being a parent, particularly if you are experiencing persistent self-critical thoughts about your abilities:
- Parenting is hard, often boring and not very enjoyable a lot of the time
- The context we are trying to parent in is extremely challenging
- Ignore those perfect social media posts – no one’s life is like that.
- You don’t HAVE to love it all the time
- You will make mistakes, in fact it’s important that you do – otherwise how will they learn how to rectify their own?
- All we can be is good enough.
Show yourself some compassion, take some time out from self-criticism and consider what you need to get back into regulation.
If you are experiencing overwhelm in relation to your parenting (or indeed other caring role) alongside managing day to day life it may be helpful to talk it through with an experienced psychological therapist.
If you think I can help, please contact me HERE.
